Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Home Toys 11/2012 - Introducing: The Erudite Audio Verbositor mkIV

Introducing: The Erudite Audio Verbositor mkIV
From their lofty headquarters at 12358-13*a Hedera Rook*b, Ithaca, NY, the magnificent Mensanites  at Erudite Audio recently unveiled their new unit, The Verbositor mkIV.  An unparalleled achievement in its category*c, the Verbositor delivers more attributives*d per dollar than any device I have ever been paid to review.
No supererogatory*e expense was spared in the selection of the all designer brand internal components and their application.  The lush, loquacious low end is attributed to the Ligament ®Illuminator*q, %100 helium-free copper wiring*f, enabling detailed, deep voicing. The Bednorz*g power supply transformer, wound with super conducting ®Niven*h Wire, requires regular reapplication of liquid nitrogen for its operation, (Erudite nitrogen compressor sold separately), allowing it to deliver extemporaneously clean power.  A micro processing section including a bushel of Solanum ®Tuberosum*i chips and proprietary software is employed in the creation of the five custom surround modes: Pedantic, Authoritative, Submissive, Sublime and Ridiculous. All this europhiliac*r finery is housed in a hand-made chassis of copper clad skrith.*h
Erudite’s lead design engineer, Esobrev  Ylsuolucidir*j, a native Ithacant*k, waxes poetic on the unit’s specifications. “An Occum’s razor-flat frequency response extends down to negative five Hz*l, with an unheard of lack of deviation at zero Hz*m. Phase variations are fully adjustable to 370 degrees*n, with a noise floor exceeding the maximum output by 18dB*o.”
All this Orwellian technospeak superseded this reviewers understanding, but I can assure you, dear reader, that the Erudite Audio Verbositor mkIV sports the most impressive display of buttons, knobs and blinky lights this Audiophile poser has ever had the privilege to drool over. With a retail price less than what you might expect to pay for a couple of pounds of neutronium*p and performance far exceeding expectations, this unit is my newest obsession and I hereby nominate the Verbositor mkIV for this publication’s “Component of the Year”.

Chuck Hinton
(many references are for Audio heads only, others for science heads or botanists, most folks won’t get ‘em all, so I have narcissistically annotated it)
*a: The Fibonacci series
*b: Hedera is Latin for Ivy, Rook also means tower, a reference to Cornell
*c: note the review never actually says what this box is or what it does
*d: another word for adjectives, the darlings of audio reviewers
*e: another word for spurious or unnecessary  
*f: Oxygen free copper is an attributive often spouted by speaker wire companies, as Helium makes your voice sound like Mickey Mouse, I figure Helium free wire should provide deep ‘voicing’
*g: Mr. Bednorz invented super conductors
*h (2): a nod to Sci Fi writer Larry Niven, who’s writings often involve materials that can’t exist, like skrith, a theoretical metal that would have the tensile strength for Nivens “Ringworld” to be made of
*i: Latin for potato, so the unit has potato chips inside
*j: “Esobrev  Ylsuolucidir” is ridiculously verbose spelled backwards
*k: In my home town of Binghamton, NY, Ithaca and Ithacans are referred to as Ithacant(s), you can’t smoke on the commons, you can’t drink after 1AM, you can’t drive a big car without getting dirty looks…ect…
*l: Hz ( Hertz) is how many times something vibrates per second, obviously, stuff cannot vibrate at less than 0 times a second
*m: A loudspeaker at 0 Hz is not moving, so it will not deviate from a state of not moving of course
*n a circle is 360 degrees, so adjusting phase to 370 would be a bit silly
*o the noise floor should be BELOW rated output, so this statement says the noise generated by the unit is almost twice as loud as the music coming out
*p: Neutronium is what a Neutron star is made of, so far, no one has managed to go into space and mine stars, also, due to the super density of Neutronium, a couple of pounds would be a sub-microscopic spec, a piece of neutronium with the mass of the earth would be about the size of a small house
*q: “Ligament ®Illuminator” synonyms for cord and lamp, ‘lamp cord’ is what we all used for speaker wire back in the dark ages and is considered laughable by aficionados of stupidly overpriced speaker wire
*r: “europhiliac” a word I just made up for someone who uncontrollably bleeds Euros